One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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