I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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