Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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