Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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