I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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