It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
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matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
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We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize