My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
