I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
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