apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
