i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
