Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
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believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
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He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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