peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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