Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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