Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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