Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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