so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
