its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Sorry about my life...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
