Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
