Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My balls are so social today.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Randomize
