We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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