I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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