I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
