Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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