i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
