Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize