zippers are such a cool invention
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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