I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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