Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
