Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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