i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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