just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
