I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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