I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Text me some of your sweat
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
