i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
