naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
