Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
