my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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