JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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