I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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