Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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