One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
