i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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