I looked at my own cervix.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
