Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
