i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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