My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You're like the curious george of whores
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
