dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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