college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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