i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
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