were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
