I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
