So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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