You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
