if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
