I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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