she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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