Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Loading more great texts...