I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
