I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
