I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
