worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
