Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
