he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
