i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
