I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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