You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
