I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
