Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
