Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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