Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
