filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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