My room smells like vodka and shame
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
